Why is Nothing Ever Simple? Read online

  Question: At this potentially sensitive point in your political manoeuvrings, who are the last people you’d want crashing through the door, observing, recording, documenting . . .?

  I think we all know the answer to that one.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘This is the embarrassing one. I wrote it because I couldn’t work out how to operate the door in my offspring’s flat, so I was trapped. All day. I wrote almost the whole story in one day. Ten thousand words, people! And everyone laughed at my predicament because children today have no respect for their elders.’

  Available to download

  A TRAIL THROUGH TIME

  Sometimes, surviving is all you have left.

  From a 17th-century Frost Fair to Ancient Egypt; from Pompeii to 8th-century Scandinavia; Max and Leon are pursued up and down the timeline, playing a dangerous game of hide-and-seek, until finally they’re forced to take refuge at St Mary’s, where a new danger awaits them.

  Max’s happily ever after is going to have to wait a while . . .

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘I really didn’t think people would like this one but it’s turned out to be many people’s favourite so, like Jon Snow – I know nothing.’

  Available to download

  CHRISTMAS PRESENT – a short story

  It’s Christmas Eve at St Mary’s

  And all through the house

  Nothing is stirring . . .

  Except for Max, Peterson and Markham, sneaking out at midnight for an assignment that is very definitely off the books.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘I was a bit worried because this story was supposed to be a Christmas story and it was all about Boudicca sacking Colchester, so I tried to keep the nasty bits to a minimum. It’s the one where Bashford waves to Boudicca because, well – why wouldn’t you?’

  Available to download

  NO TIME LIKE THE PAST

  A Fete Worse Than Death . . .

  The St Mary’s Institute of Historical Research has finally recovered from its wounds and it’s business as usual for those rascals in the History Department and Max must struggle to get History back on track.

  But first, they must get through the St Mary’s Fete – which is sure to end badly for everyone.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘I wanted St Mary’s to have an open day. The phrase “A Fete worse than death” shot into my head – trust me, there’s plenty of room – and I just had to write it.’

  Available to download

  THE VERY FIRST DAMNED THING – a short story

  Ever wondered how the St Mary’s of the future came to be?

  Warning: this story may contain scenes about stolen furniture, a practical demonstration at the Stirrup Charge at Waterloo, students’ alcohol-ridden urine, a widowed urban guerrilla, a young man wearing exciting knitwear, and four naked security guards.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘I think I’d written more than four or five books before I wrote this prequel. I don’t know why I was suddenly overwhelmed by a need to go back to the beginning but I did. Normally my overwhelming needs involve chocolate. I always say to people – don’t read this one first. Get a couple of books under your belt first otherwise some of it might not make sense. Which assumes the rest of it does . . .’

  Available to download

  WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

  To do what I do – go where I go – see what I see – it’s a wonderful, unique, never-to-be-taken-for-granted privilege.

  With great privilege comes great responsibility, something Max knows only too well, and as newly appointed Chief Training Officer at the St Mary’s Institute of Historical Research, it’s up to her to drum this guiding principle into her five new recruits.

  Expect a training programme that includes Joan of Arc, an illegal mammoth, a duplicitous Father of History, a bombed rat, Stone Age hunters and Dick the Turd.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘My personal favourite. I’ve been a training officer. I’ve been in that particular hell. I’ve questioned my life choices, my sanity and the intelligence of trainees. On the other hand, there was the episode of the bombed rat.’

  Available to download

  SHIPS AND STINGS AND WEDDING RINGS – a short story

  It’s Christmas at St Mary’s and time for Max’s obligatory illegal jump. On this occasion, however, they’re right up against it. And as if that’s not enough, someone (Max) has inadvertently poisoned Mr Markham.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘This is what happened when I was bored and there wasn’t anything on TV and I was reduced to reading the small print on a can of WD40.’

  Available to download

  LIES, DAMNED LIES, AND HISTORY

  I’ve done some stupid things in my time. I’ve been reckless. I’ve broken a few rules. But never before have I ruined so many lives or left such a trail of destruction behind me.

  Max has never been one for rules. They tend to happen to other people. But this time she’s gone too far. And everyone at St Mary’s is paying the price.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘I wrote this one to avenge myself on my brother who abandoned me on top of Doward Hill because there was a cow on the horizon. It was the size of a dachshund but apparently had a nasty look in its eye. He said. I didn’t get time to argue because he was off. Normally I’d let him go but he had the car keys.’

  Available to download

  THE GREAT ST MARY’S DAY OUT – a short story

  Astonishingly, Dr Bairstow has declared a holiday. Even more astonishingly – he’s paying for it.

  Needless to say, there are strings attached. They have to record the 1601 performance of Hamlet, with Shakespeare himself in the role of the Ghost.

  It doesn’t go well, of course. With Dr Bairstow and Mrs Mack turning a simple visit to a street market into a public brawl, Professor Rapson inadvertently stowing away on a vessel bound for the New World, and Shakespeare himself going up in flames, it would seem that Max, of all people, is the only one actually completing the assignment.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘I challenged myself to get the words “Dr Bairstow” and “selfie” in the same sentence. Challenge accepted!’

  Available to download

  MY NAME IS MARKHAM – a short story

  Like a smaller and much scruffier Greta Garbo – finally – Markham speaks!

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘This is the one told by Markham himself. I wanted to give a tiny but tantalising glimpse of his background.’

  Available to download

  AND THE REST IS HISTORY

  Because, my dear Max, you dance on the edge of darkness . . . and I don’t think it would take very much for you to dance my way.

  When an old enemy appears out of nowhere with an astonishing proposition for Max – a proposition that could change everything – Max is tempted. Very tempted.

  With an end to an old conflict finally in sight, it looks as if St Mary’s problems are over with. Can they all now live happily ever after?

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘Ah! The dramatic one. Probably best if I don’t say any more.’

  Available to download

  DESSICATED WATER – a short story

  Professor Rapson breaks astonishing new ground with his latest feat of scientific invention.

  MARKHAM AND THE ANAL PROBING – a short story

  When Markham disappears in the middle of nowhere, Max jumps to the logical conclusion – alien abduction.

  A PERFECT STORM – a short story

  For Max, what starts off as a perfectly normal week is about to degenerate into a quagmire of egotistical film producers, monum
ental pub crawls, unsigned contracts, exploding rocks, Professor Rapson and his megaphone, the world’s biggest bacon butty – and Angus – the third component of the most notorious love triangle since Menelaus, Paris and Whatshername – the one with the face they launched ships off.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘Oh yes. Calvin Cutter – bless him. His one-sided telephone call to Marge, his PA, as she’s trying to have her baby in peace was so much fun to write.’

  Available to download

  CHRISTMAS PAST – a short story

  The First Farrell Family Christmas.

  Max, Leon and Matthew – together at last for Christmas at St Mary’s – a time of conspicuous consumption, riotous misbehaviour and the traditional illegal Christmas jump. And this time, it’s inter-generational.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘The one where Matthew and Max take their first steps towards an understanding. The king-sized picnic they take to the starving boys was personally researched by me. I don’t think anyone realises quite how many sausages authors must force down for the sake of verisimilitude. A little more sympathy, please.’

  Available to download

  AN ARGUMENTATION OF HISTORIANS

  They say you shouldn’t push your luck. Max gives her own luck a massive shove every day – and it’s only a matter of time until luck pushes back . . .

  January 1536 – the day of Henry VIII’s infamous jousting accident. Historians from St Mary’s are there in force, recording and documenting. And arguing – obviously.

  A chance meeting between Max and the Time Police leads to a plan of action to bring down Clive Ronan, once and for all.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘Well, obviously, once I discovered the collective noun for a group of historians was an argumentation, there was no holding me back. Sorry!’

  Available to download

  THE BATTERSEA BARICADES – a short story

  It’s not easy being a rebel.

  So many new skills to assimilate.

  Never mind strategic planning, weapons expertise and the like – there’s bicycle-stealing, oil-stain removal and boat steering to be mastered first. And quickly.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘I’ve had people accusing me of being able to see the future but I swear I can’t. I made it all up. I suspect politicians are now lining up to spit on me in the streets.’

  Available to download

  THE STEAM-PUMP JUMP – a short story

  Not one to let being banged up in Sick Bay stop her, Max has had a brilliant idea. But she needs Markham to execute it on her behalf. Told in Markham’s own words, this is the story of an intervention – St Mary’s style.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘This is the one set in Raglan Castle which I visited with my brother. The purpose of our visit was to discover where the steam-pump was installed. There was a certain amount – actually, a huge amount – of arguing. We waved our arms and shouted. I had to remind him of all the times he’d been wrong throughout his life and it took a long time. People moved away from us. I googled it when I got home and discovered we’d both been wrong. Quite embarrassing actually.’

  Available to download

  AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT – a short story

  Here’s a question for you. What’s the most exciting thing ever found in a fire bucket? And don’t say ‘fire’ because you’ll be wrong.

  Every Christmas, for reasons which seem good at the time – especially after an eggnog or two – Max and the others leap into the nearest pod and indulge in their illegal Christmas jump. It’s a tradition. This year, however, just to be different, they find themselves part of someone else’s illegal Christmas jump. It’s time to don a spacesuit and bring your own urine!

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘I actually wanted to write this one years ago. It’s why I kept mentioning the Mars Project every now and then. And I wanted to do something completely different.’

  Available to download

  HOPE FOR THE BEST

  You can’t change History. History doesn’t like it. There are always consequences.

  Max is no stranger to taking matters into her own hands. Especially when she’s had A Brilliant Idea. Yes, it will mean breaking a few rules, but – as Max always says – they’re not her rules.

  When History goes rogue, there’s a St Mary’s team right in the firing line and Max must step up.

  You know what they say. Hope for the best. But plan for the worst.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘So I rang the offspring and said, “What do you know about sex clubs?” and was pleased/horrified/surprised/disturbed to find out he knew quite a lot. Hmm . . .’

  Available to download

  WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR FATHER? – a short story

  Max, your father is here. He’s come to take Matthew away.

  Have you ever wondered what would happen if Max’s husband met Max’s father? What would Leon do?

  This is the story of what to expect if St Mary’s doesn’t like someone. As in, really doesn’t like someone. It is also a story of revenge. Because this is payback – St Mary’s style.

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘This is the one that kept me up all night, writing. It was quite a job devising a solution in which no one died and nothing caught fire – St Mary’s usual method of conflict resolution.’

  Available to download

  Psst! If you like your short stories all in one place, then these two collections are perfect for you . . .

  THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT

  In print for the very first time, The Long and Short of It collects eight unmissable short stories from the international bestselling Chronicles of St Mary’s series including:

  When a Child is Born

  Roman Holiday

  Christmas Present

  The Very First Damned Thing

  Ships and Stings and Wedding Rings

  The Great St Mary’s Day Out

  My Name is Markham

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘A collection of the earlier short stories. Initially we put it together in response to those who didn’t have kindles and therefore couldn’t access them.’

  Available to download

  LONG STORY SHORT

  This collection brings together seven short stories and one special guest tale from somewhere completely different:

  Christmas Past

  The Battersea Barricades

  The Steam-Pump Jump

  And Now For Something Completely Different

  When Did You Last See Your Father?

  Desiccated Water

  Markham and the Anal Probing

  Little Donkey

  Jodi Taylor says . . .

  ‘The usual thing. The telephone rings.

  “We’re putting together another collection of short stories, Taylor, and your readers would appreciate you writing a new one.”

  A short pause.

  “Have you finished it yet?”

  And it includes ‘Little Donkey’ from one of my other series – Frogmorton Farm. How not to bathe a donkey.’

  Available to download